The straight-guys guide to bagging lesbians (by a lesbian)

Dudes don't seem to get it when you tell them you're gay.  They're all  "YAY!".  It makes not a drop of sense. 
I'd like to know how they'd respond if a gay dude hit on them and when they told him they were straight he said "YAY!  I love straight boys. Maybe you just haven't had your dick sucked by the right guy."  ....They'd knock the guy out!  But yet I have to deal with this shit CONSTANTLY with a smile.  I have had numerous guys say the EXACT same thing I quoted to me.  They all think they're being original too.  I'll lay a few out for you, guys, so you don't embarrass yourself with any of this stupidity and lose a really cool girl FRIEND because you think you're funny or somehow different or gonna flip them.
"That's because you haven't had THIS dick."
"Who hurt you girl?  Not all men are bad."
"COOL!  I'm a lesbian too."  (which by the way IS possible but it would mean that you are a woman trapped in a mans body and you don't want a penis, you want a vagina and boobs and want surgery to correct it.  So this one makes you look EXTRA dumb.)
"You just need the right man."
"Can I watch?"
"Will you have a threesome with me and my girl?"
"I know a gay chick.  I'll hook you up."  ( this one isn't a pick up line but it's stupid so I had to add it. Just because I'm gay it doesn't mean I'll like your gay friend.  If I came up to you and said "I have a straight friend.  I"m gonna hook you guys up."  It would sound awfully silly to assume you would want to date my friend for no other reason than she liked guys and you liked girls.)
"That's sexy as shit.  I love lesbians."
"We have something in common.  I like girls too."
"I lick pussy real good."
" I know how a clit works."
"I"m not like typical men."
"Are you sure?"
"Why?"
"You're not just a little bi?"
"How do you know you're gay if you've never been with a man?" (How do YOU know you're not gay if you've never been with a man?.... yea, it's kinda like that.)
"Well if you ever DO go straight, can I be the guy you pick?"
...and this isn't a quote but it's the creepiest thing of all.... When you just stare at us with your mouths open with drool coming off your lip when we're with our girlfriends.... or worse ask us to kiss. Or the WORST, bring us some drunk girl if we're alone like she's a present and you're doing us a favor, and try to get us to make out with some sloppy "bi" girl who wants to kiss another girl to turn on guys.

STOP!


I could keep going but you get my drift.  It's sad, annoying, pathetic, infuriating, lame, and does NOT make you look cool or give you any points in our book.  As a matter of fact it's a HUGE turn off (and not in a sexual way.  We're already not turned on by men) in a friendship way.  You will lose a cool chick friend who can learn a TON from. We make great wing-women. If you just accept us as friends we will be like the "woman whisperer" for you.  We can interpret and help with your relationship issues AND teach you how to work a pussy like no man could know on his own. 

So in conclusion, BOYS, the best way to bag a lesbian is to bag her as a FRIEND and let her tell you all the secrets of womanly things.  Let her help you perfect your game.  You won't regret it.  You're welcome.